For those of you who do not know who I am, my name is Molly Treves and I am a Long-Term survivor of the cancer Neuroblastoma. During my fight for survival when I was only two years old, I endured different therapies, surgery and many side-affects that come along with my fight.
I remember thinking when I was young, I was only going to have one or two hospital appointments a year.
I was wrong.
Last year I went to sixty-five appointments, which to me is a new record. But during the travelling, waiting and medical reviews I have really struggled with my Mental Health.
I have been diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression and luckily now I am receiving therapy.
However, my Mental Health journey has never been easy.
Over the years, I have been through play therapists, student counsellors and professional psychologists.
But for a long time, nothing helped.
While the appointments continued, my problems go worse. So much worse I locked myself away in toilet cubicles and cried. I hid a lot of my problems away, so a lot of people believed I was well.
Sadly, I presented myself as a well and happy person for a long time, when I was so poorly.
And for that long time, the therapy did not work.
So, after much deliberation I got offered therapy at Great Ormond Street Hospital, and I took it as I knew I needed it. I knew I needed to be honest and tell the truth. Because I was determined to get myself better.
But what I thought would turn out to be my miracle, turned out to be a nightmare.
My therapy was more of a talking session which provoked my Anxiety every week. Because I believed every week, I would be given a ‘cure’ or ‘guide’ to my Mental Health, but I was not.
One forty-minute train journey, a ten-minute walk, a fifteen-minute wait and an hour appointment later and I felt no better than I did walking in.
It got so bad that one week I broke down in front of the therapists.
I felt lost, upset and isolated.
I had finally drawn the last straw, and gave up therapy there. It took a few more months to find another place that would take me, but I found a centre that took me on.
Since switching therapists, I feel I am able to talk more freely and I feel I am more able to talk about my problems. This is thanks to the therapy EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization And Reprocessing)
I would love to say my Mental Health has completely disappeared, but it has not.
Most days I am happy and content. But then it hits me like lightning bolt. The feeling is indescribable, and I seem to get it when I am having a good day.
My depression makes me feel separate from my family. It makes me feel isolated and really upset. It fiddles with my other emotions and it likes to disguise itself.
My anxiety sneaks up on me on the best of days. It brings a wave of panic over me when I least expect it to, and it makes me feel awful.
I tend to hide these feelings a lot.
Because I used to believe if I ‘faked’ it for long enough it might go away. However, that is not how mental health works.
My anxiety and depression like to team up on me a lot.
It always takes me by surprise.
However, I have learnt that no matter how long you live with a Mental Health problem for, it is perfectly normal to have days where you feel down, alone, anxious, depressed, etc.
The only thing I would advise is this. If you feel any Mental Health symptoms for a long period of time tell someone. Whether that is your family, a friend or a doctor. I understand you might feel like you want to fix this by yourself, but that sometimes makes it worse.
I know from experience that pushing people away will only make them become more concerned for you. I have lived with Mental Health for long enough to know that a phone call away is support from my mum, my doctor or an emergency service phone operator.
You can even call Samaritans which is an anonymous phoneline for people with any Mental Health issue. They talk to you for as little or as long as you like and they can even refer you to another service if you wish.
Over time I have developed a bond with my mum like no other, because of my Mental Health. She instantly knows when I am anxious or depressed and she does her absolute best to try and help me.
I understand if you are scared to tell people around you that you feel anxious, depressed or scared. I understand it all too well, but it is better to tell one person that something is wrong than none at all.